VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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