The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
