I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sorry my hands just texted you
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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