Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
