I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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