franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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