Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
