I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
