I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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