i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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