I'd wear matching sweaters with you
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
