It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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