Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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