I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
