why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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