I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
