I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
