Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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