Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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