I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
