I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
