I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
