I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
