Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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