you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Text me some of your sweat
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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