If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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