I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
