I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
