Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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