I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
