I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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