I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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