I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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