When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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