just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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