Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
