i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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