I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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