I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
