two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
she told me i tasted like america
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
