Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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