she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
