My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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