Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
