i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
