According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
