i permit you to call me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
