Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
