I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You made out with two different species that night
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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