Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
