I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
